CAMPUS NEWS

Uh-Oh, Your Mom Just Told President Bergman Your Deepest, Darkest Secret

SAINT PETER, MN- Family weekend is a great time for parents to meet some of Gustavus’ distinguished faculty, including President Bergman. This is not good news for you. Your mom just Naruto-sprinted to the front of the line to meet her, and you know what that means. It’s only moments into the conversation and your mom has already told President Bergman your deepest, darkest secret. You don’t know how the conversation got to this point, and you don’t know how to fix this. Becky Bergman has just been burdened with the knowledge of the time you cursed out an ex-nun on an airplane.

Several thoughts go through your head. You could do the obvious and push for President Bergman’s immediate resignation. But that could get messy, and you don’t want a repeat of high school. Your next thought is to cause a distraction. You could open your backpack and set loose that rare tropical bird you’ve been hiding all semester. Becky will be so disoriented that she’ll forget the whole thing. The only problem is that there’s no way to get a refund on the bird at this point in the game. The only other option is to wait until the conversation ends and convince President Bergman that your mother’s mind has been on a downward spiral and you’re planning on putting her in a facility after Thanksgiving.

You decide that whatever you do, you better do it fast. The last thing you need is for President Bergman to think that you enjoy cursing out former members of the religious community. But before you make your move, Becky admits that she did a similar thing on a city bus in Helsinki. You’re in the clear, you breathe a sigh of relief. You now have a connection with President Bergman that other students only wish they had. Now all you have to do is make it through the rest of the weekend and hope your mom doesn’t disclose any more of your darkest secrets at her own whim.

 

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