SAINT PETER,MN- Gustavus Campus Safety is involved in an ongoing investigation following what officials have called a “heinous breach of college pride, honor, and chastity” after an unidentified perpetrator interfered with college property Sunday afternoon. Reports suggest the assailant hacked campus software, changing the channel from the regulation NFL beat ‘em brawl ‘em match to a subtitled edition of the critically acclaimed 1994 anime masterpiece Amerika No Futtobōru.
“The worst part about [the incident] was that I couldn’t even understand what was happening,” Senior Health and Fitness Major Jonnor Jobbinson said. “There was some sort of script at the bottom but how is that supposed to explain what’s going on?”
Jobbinson and his peers were shocked Sunday afternoon when the NFL channel was cut mid-tackle, interrupting the 85th consecutive play of the same nature before the outcome could be shown. Chaos followed as 90’s alt-pop music and the introduction to Amerika No Futtobōru blasted from the speakers of the Evelyn Young Dining Room.
“Honestly it was time for something new to happen on Sundays” Sophomore Japanese Studies major Matelyn Bunk said. “America None Futubalu is a work of art. The poor reception on campus shows how out of touch we are as a society from some of Japan’s greatest exports, besides Pokemon and the katana.”
Campus wide protests have been reported in response to Sunday’s event, causing mass hysteria as Facebook lit up with passive-aggressive events titled “Deleted the Wikipedia entry for Anime from the Internet” and “Run like a Futtobōru across Eckman Mall.”
The Dean of Students office urges the student body to remain calmu and collected while campus officials attempt to bring the assailant to justice.
“We all just want peace,” Dean of Students JoNes VanHecke said, “everyone has the irrevocable right to activate their trap cards as and when they please, Gustavus is a campus which supports equality–this is of the utmost importance to us.”
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS