CAMPUS NEWS

Through the Transitive Property of Ohana, Family Weekend Becomes a Celebration of the No Child Left Behind Act

SAINT PETER, MN- This year’s Family Weekend took an unconventional approach to the by transforming its focus from familial ties to a celebration of the controversial No Child Left Behind Act.  Commenting on the move Grant Thompson, the director of Campus Activities Office, said “I watched Lilo & Stitch the other night, and I guess that line ‘Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind…’ got stuck in my head and things just kind of went in that direction.  It may not have been on purpose, but once I realized that I was channeling a 2001 Bush era education law, I just really embraced it.”

Not everyone was pleased with the change. Saint Peter Elementary school teacher, Shelly Brugert, attended the Standardized Test Bubble Sheet Bingo hosted in the Dive with her daughter Kristin. “Honestly I thought that when they repealed the law in 2015 I wouldn’t have to deal with these bubble sheets anymore.  I am in hell.  This place is hell.”

Kristin, a first-year, didn’t mind as much; “I got really pretty good at these things over the years, so it’s kinda relaxing.  Oh, I four bubbles in a row!  Bingo!  I got Bingo!”

Representatives from the Thompson’s aforementioned statement were all contacted for their thoughts.  The Math department issued a statement saying that “though technically this is how the transitive property works it’s really a stretch. Please stop abusing math.”  

The Department of Education was confused about the whole thing, and James Kanoa, Gustavus’ only native Hawaiian student didn’t quite know how to react. “I feel like I should be offended that they’re taking ‘ohana’ from my culture, but this is all just so dumb it’s hard to be upset.”      

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