SAINT PETER, MN- “Honestly, I’m shocked”, said first-year Gustie Sarah Barcove, after reporting that her roommate, Jessica Belson, turned off the light in their room without first consulting Sarah. “I mean she just straight-up turned off the light”, Barcove continued, “Usually she’ll give me a ‘Hey, is it cool if I turn off the light?’ or something, but this time she just flicked that switch without so much as a ‘How are you, Sarah?’. It’s like she flipped the off-switch on my self-esteem.”

Some of Jessica’s friends weighed in on the incident. “That doesn’t sound like the Jessica I know”, said Jessica’s friend of four weeks, Kim. “In the time that I’ve known Jessica, which again is about a month, I’ve never known her to do anything so heinous.” When asked if she saw any signs leading up to this behavior, Jessica’s mother, Kristine, had this to say: “Jessica was always known to be turning lights off in the house, and why should I care? She could be having a bonfire in the damn living-room as long as she isn’t running up my light bill.”

Two days after the dust settled on the incident, Sarah’s opinion on the matter seemed to have changed. “The more I think about it, turning off the light like that is just about the most bad-ass thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she put me in my place without even saying a word. She wanted to go to bed at 8:30 and didn’t give a cow’s left nipple what I thought about it”, she said. “In some ways, it’s the kind of assertiveness I wish that I had. So, good for her.”