SAINT PETER,MN-  Eight students were injured this past Saturday following an unprecedented event sponsored by Gustavus student organization, Gusties Will Rock (climb.) Held in the Evelyn Young Dining room, student participants gathered as teams to race to the top of a series of recently installed rock wall courses, staple pieces of the college’s renowned dining experience.

“It began so well,” Event planner and Gusties Will Rockclimb co-president Goldina Boulders said. “We had scouted potential locations to host this event, but none of the other options could really capture the holistic appeal of the caf’s rockwall course. There was just this perfect balance of homliness, style, and ethics while preserving a real sense of outdoorsiness.”

The teams of student participants were each given a wall, increasing in difficulty from G (ground-level) to S (summit-level), with members from the org acting as guides for the “little expeditions.” At the strike of the dinner bell, the participants were off.

“Total chaos ensued,” First-Year event participant Michigan Ore said. “I think people were falling almost as soon as the bell sounded. It was insane. I’m pretty sure I saw a girl’s shattered femur poke out through her Lululemons.”

Participants and onlookers alike were shocked when it was discovered that the rock wall courses were in fact installations of extra large wall stickers from Redbubble. The pattern of false rock is still so shockingly realistic that the geology department was contacted prior to 911 to ensure that the climbing participants weren’t simply too inept to scale the inclines. After ascertaining the truth of the matter, near half an hour after the first climbers fell, the paramedics arrived with Courtyard Cafe tall iced chai lattes with almond milk and a shot of caramel in hand.

“I’d never seen so many [students] injured in the process of doing parkour” Paramedic and Gustie Alumna Jessemina Ambles ‘99 said. “…oh, they were rock climbing? Well the caf is a great place for that, look at these facilities.”

Dining Service and Physical Plant were unavailable for questioning at the time of this publication.