CAMPUS NEWS

Flu Clinic Accidentally Administers Anthrax Instead of Vaccines

St. Peter, MN- “So those anti-vaccine types were half-right,” said nursing student Luanne Knutsson earlier today. “Autism wasn’t the main concern, but it was something else that started with an ‘A’!”

It came to light earlier today that there was a mix-up at the flu clinic. Instead of receiving the shipment of flu vaccines the health department had been expecting, they received vials of deadly anthrax bacteria instead. Unaware of this error, the nursing students running the clinic administered shots of anthrax to the hundreds of people that stopped by for their vaccinations. Sources say that it was the extra-lethal weaponized version of anthrax, which would be slightly more detrimental to a person’s health than the normal kind.

Anthrax, for those of you who don’t know, is a deadly bacteria that will kill your ass. It makes your lymph nodes swell up and then causes lesions to form on your skin. Older students will recall that former president Jack Ohle utilized weaponized anthrax extensively to torment faculty and alumni alike.

“Now I’ve got the flu and I’m dying of anthrax poisoning,” said freshman Jim Baldwin, one of many first-year students that contracted the bacteria. “This is a serious bummer, man.”

Fun colorful shapes

A picture of some colorful shapes we found on the internet. Our crack science team here at The Fourth Crown was unable to determine what’s going on here.

 

“I told you all that vaccines are no good!” said junior Nathan Wakefield, a prominent member of the Gustavus Vaccine Sceptics (GVS). “I might end up getting the flu and all sorts of other horrible things, but at least I don’t have anthrax or autism!”

It’s unknown how many deaths this mishap has caused, although the stench of death hanging over the campus doesn’t bode well for the future. It’s also unknown as of now why the pharmacy providing the vaccines had vials of anthrax in the first place.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS