SAINT PETER, MN- The Gustavus History Club announced plans this week to host a series of gladiatorial games in the Shakespeare Pit over the next coming weeks. The apparent motivation for this series of battles is an attempt on the part of the newly elected co-presidents to solidify their power. “We just wanted to show everyone that we are benevolent rulers that care to bless the peasants with this entertainment.  It also happens to be a convenient way to eliminate political enemies,” said Co-President Lionel Toksvieg.

There seems to be no shortage of opponents to throw into the pit in struggle for life and death. This year’s election for executive officers was highly contested, so the festival of killing could go on for days.  “I’m really looking forward to watching the show,” said freshman Nancy Thompson, “I’m just concerned that after the fifth time of somebody screaming ‘Are you not entertained?!’ it might get a little annoying.”

In an effort to raise money for future activities the history club will also be selling banana bread from the caf as a concession next to the pit. “It’s not quite historically accurate to the ‘bread and circuses’ concept, but we’re also using the campus cats as tigers to fight, so accuracy is kind of out the window at this point. That’s the problem with trying to get a bunch of history majors to participate in something like this; everybody has an opinion about historical accuracy. At least this way they can use swords instead of just words to settle the argument” Toksvieg said.

When asked to comment, the club’s risk manager could only hyperventilate and mumble “we who are about to die salute you” over and over.