OFF THE HILL

Harvey Weinstein Confused, Thought 500 Word Essay Enough to be Forgiven

Los Angeles, CA- Harvey Weinstein, notorious sexual assailant who also made some movies, voiced confusion over the fact that he was still in trouble after writing a 500 word essay about why sexual assault is wrong.  “I don’t get it, I wrote an entire essay, two pages double spaced!  Why are people still upset?  That’s all some of those college guys had to do.”

  It seems that the attempt to use an essay as penitence was a method lifted lifted from a college campus that recently dealt with a sexual assault case.  One expert, familiar with something she called, “criminal justice,” described it as, “literally the least he could do.” She went on to say, “Like, this definitely shouldn’t be it.  He assaulted people, there should be actual consequences, who thought this was a good idea?”

While most people have decried Weinstein’s actions, not everyone agrees.  Bill Cosby, Woody Allen, and Roman Polanski have all signed a public letter pointing out that Weinstein “made some pretty good movies and shows, so that should outweigh everything else.” Redditor Not1ofThose_Betas69 remarked “Women lie about being assaulted all the time!  Besides, from an evolutionary perspective they need a dominant male.  Take the Red Pill!”  When asked for a rebuttal, a sane person replied “What the fuck?  What is wrong with those people?”     

A lawyer for Weinstein stated in a press release; “Mr. Weinstein admits that he made a mistake, but boys will be boys.  He is such a bright young man, with a great future ahead of him, why should it all be thrown away because of some loose women and a couple bad choices?  Hasn’t he suffered enough? Let him return to school so he can graduate and fulfill his dreams.  Oh, wait, wrong client… meh, close enough.”  

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