SAINT PETER,MN-Junior Wendy Hughes reportedly “got all dolled up” last night to “Have a good time! Just have a fun night and make some memories!” The Fourth Crown’s expert linguists translated this to mean Hughes intended to “show her bastard ex-boyfriend how happy, carefree, and smokin’ hot she is via social media.”
After contouring the shit out of her face and wearing what can only be described as a zero gravity boob shape shifter bra 2000, she called for her gal pals to gather around her and pose for the most critical selfie she has taken in her life thus far. After twenty plus pictures, all infinitesimally different, she had settled on one with a subtle booty pop and the caption “GNO with the best” complete with the smiley and red heart emoji because she was not afraid of getting saucy.
Hughes explained that her motivation was “to get her ex-bae to beg her to get back together and profess how much he had messed up and how much prettier and better than that dumb Natalie she was.” Hughes reportedly spent all night scouting possible selfie locations. Harold, the veteran Gus Bus driver, said “We were at the final stop, Nassau. Her ex walked right in the door, sporting a horrendous combo of a basketball jersey over a sweatshirt that made me and Hughes weak in the knees as well as hot in the crotch.”
Eye-witnesses claimed that after the arrival of “ex-bae” Hughes fled the scene in hysterics and was last seen with friends who reportedly initiated damage control, got her drunk ass on the Gus Bus, and rode back to campus where they ordered some Domino’s to try and stop the flow of tears from poor Hughes’ bloodshot eyes. Reliable sources report: “Wendy had blubbered out an almost incoherent monologue, and ended with, ‘Why won’t he love me?’, before passing out on her futon with a slice of pizza in her hand.”
Wendy’s friend, Helen Jones, said, “This is pretty typical. Every weekend since the breakup she’s been telling us ‘This night will be different! I promise!’ And every weekend we end up here. He’s not even that cute. Like, I would get if he was Aaron Carter pre- drug addiction cute but he just isn’t.”
After the incident, Hughes posted a photo showcasing forced laughter with her best friend coupled with the caption “all smiles all the time” because she literally is totally fine, GREG.
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