St. Peter, MN – “It’s made out of people!” proclaimed first-year student Charlie Hanson outside of the cafeteria earlier today. “Gustavus banana bread is made out of people!”
While banana bread actually consists of many ingredients, the kind baked at Gustavus does indeed contain trace amounts of human flesh. This revelation came to light today when Hanson bit down on a human finger in the bread he was eating. Contrary to claims that the finger’s presence was a fluke, an anonymous kitchen staff member revealed that human flesh is indeed a key ingredient in the recipe.
Controversy has been slow to erupt over the scandal, as while cannibalism is a grievous moral taboo in our society, the banana bread is also pretty delicious. Still, some on campus are extremely upset about the turn of events.
“I can’t believe this!” said sophomore Hannah Knutson. “The fact that they were putting people in the banana bread is absolutely vile. Don’t they know that some of us are vegetarians?!”
The source of the human flesh is believed to be the numerous corpses produced by the Three Crowns program. Because the mortality rate for the program’s members has stood at a daunting 97.5% for the past few years, the kitchen staff haven’t had to worry about shortages of delectable human meat. Whether the directors of the 3C program are in cahoots with the kitchen has yet to be determined.
Human flesh is believed to be what lends the banana bread it’s sweet, cinnamon-y taste. Why human flesh was used and not cinnamon is unknown as of yet.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS