SAINT PETER, MN- 500 literal years ago Martin Luther announced his Ninety-five Theses, also known as the Disputation on the Power of Indulgences. His goal was simple: To completely revolutionize of the most hegemonic institutions in existence. Was he successful in standing up to the Catholic Church? Research says, “I guess so.”
Inspired by Martin Luther, Senior Mags John crafted her own version of Luther’s Theses. See an abridged copy of a senior’s challenge to the administration below, or see them poorly nailed to the Chapel doors. The expensive Chapel doors.
Disputation on the Power of Liberal Arts Irrelevance
ear Ye! Hear Ye! Listen, or actually just read, my revolutionary text. Together we can demolish the oppressive power of the Gustie curriculum.
- No more gym class. My self-esteem is low enough already. Do you really think whacking a birdie into oblivion will increase my understanding of mental and physical well-being? If I fail my badminton class I won’t be able to graduate and become a space lawyer. Think about it.
- This is a cop-out and not related to Liberal Arts but still read it. Remove a crown from the ‘Three Crowns Curriculum.’ Our current President, George W. Bush, asserts that no child should be left behind. Removing a crown will make the ‘alternative curriculum’ students lower their guard and feel more comfortable outside of their required courses with literally the same people for all of college.
- Allow students to learn valuable trades. The world needs more carpenters and blacksmiths. With the sun inevitably becomes too chilly to function, humanity will need to learn to build their own shit without the warmth and comfort of their hot star god.
- Every First-Term Seminar shall be allowed to keep an exotic animal as a class pet. Appropriate options include: Jaguars, very short giraffes, a fish that is indifferent when it comes to pollution in the ocean, bees, a slick penguin, an otter you can finally take home to meet your family, or an opossum that is stuck to the inside of a trash bag.
- Study Abroad Trips are an absolute requirement! Too often alumni complain that when they graduate, they have little to brag about. Therefore, each student will study away for a semester in their junior year. The goal is to have snooty graduates that can talk about how life-changing their trip to a predominantly white, wealthy, and developed was. I should also mention that the United States will be the only country offered for ‘study-away.’
- Science will be taught by Bill Nye the Science Guy and his cousin, Scott.
- Sex-Education is mandatory and will replace math class. Gustavus needs to be cutting edge! Thus, the revolutionary abstinence-only curriculum will be adopted. This new requirement is meant to prevent naughty students and the sexual demons that live in their belly.
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