PETER, MN- “One moment he was just ranting to us about how he wants to live in the woods by himself,” cried sophomore Lindsay Springer, “Then the next moment a super cute, cuddly bunny leaped out of his trademark messenger bag and Sean immediately collapsed on the floor!”
Everyone knows that Professor Sean Cobb is always sulking around like an extra from Revenge of the Nerds, with his messenger bag slung across his body, ready for whatever sassy comments or physical struggles come his way. Supposedly, this bag is what keeps him moving and living. Cobb has said himself that “If I didn’t have this bag, I would lose the magic sparkle that keeps my heart thumping.”
Students have been doubtful about these claims for years. “I doubt that there is actually tubes and all that medical junk in there like he says,” said senior Bradley Boselstein, “I mean, he takes points off my papers for having Caf spaghetti stains smeared on it. How could he even a heart if he doesn’t smile at the cartoon chickens that I paint out of tomato sauce?”
Eyewitnesses claim that as Cobb started his lesson on obscure Swedish film directors, he gestured with an “excited swing of his arm” and “his bag flew open, and a white, fluffy bunny leaped to escape his confines while it had the chance.” Additional sources say that Cobb immediately crumpled to the floor, screaming in agony. The bunny paused in front of the class, grinned, and blew a shitload of “fairy dust” at the class before bouncing its way out the door.
“It was like the movie Frosty the Snowman, when Frosty loses his hat and melts away inside that fucking weird, tropical greenhouse in the middle of the North Pole,” said senior Indigo Glazier, “But this time, Sean Cobb may not come back again someday!”
Our sources tell us that as of this morning, Cobb has been is no longer in critical condition. Health Services has prescribed a healthy serving of three cans of La Croix per hour and an hour of snuggles from Fluffers the Cat to make him a happy sunflower again.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS