SAINT PETER, MN- Last week, campus safety received a phone call from a student who has been repeatedly harassed in the campus center. When asked about the perpetrator, she described him as short, round, and also the former king of Sweden and namesake of the college, Gustavus Adolphus.
The student had been walking down the hall when something caught her eye. It was the portrait of Gustavus Adolphus. Every time she looked at it, he would wink at her, with a little dip in his eyebrow. According to the woman, the look made her feel like he was trying to “get some stankie on the hang down”. She added that this was not the only time that this had happened.
“The first time it was just a wink,” she said, “then things escalated from there. The next time he made that stupid motorboat sound with his lips. Pretty quickly I learned that he could talk. Once, when I was walking down the hall alone at night, he asked me if I wanted to hop in and boink on his polar bear skin rug. It’s so creepy, and he’s like five hundred years old, he’s probably saggier than an old leather purse. This has got to stop.”
At least three other Swedish students have come forward with allegations against the former king. “I don’t know why he chose me honestly. I’m only like one sixteenth Swedish, so that’s a bit of a stretch on his part”, commented one of the other victims.
Campus safety has been taking these allegations very seriously. They have been considering many solutions, including turning the portrait around so he would just face the wall. Another solution is to mist the portrait with soda, making his face too sticky to move. In any case, campus safety has assured students that it will handle the situation swiftly.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS