SAINT PETER, MN- From climate change, the Big Bang, and Mars exploration, scientists are hard at work solving some of the biggest mysteries of our time. However, none of these subjects require as much close study and analysis as that giant food stain square in the middle of the ceiling in a room in Complex.

One of the experts currently working on this project is the world-renowned forensic scientist Henry Thomson. Thomson has attempted to carbon-date the stain, but the results have been inconclusive, ranging anywhere from 1996 to the mid-seventeenth century. “I don’t even know what color this is,” said Thomson, “I don’t think our eyes are even evolved enough to see it.”

Naturally, this phenomenon has attracted experts from several disciplines, including Clara Neeson, a theoretical physicist currently doing research at Princeton University. We asked her about what she has discovered about the food stain.

“What I’m focused on is how the food ended up in the spot that it did. Right now, our best hypothesis is that an inter-dimensional wormhole opened up spontaneously in the center of this room and briefly counter-acted the Earth’s gravity, simultaneously causing the food to fly in an upward direction and pulling the poor student into a parallel dimension on the other side of the galaxy. NASA has backed this claim, saying that there is really no other explanation. One of the things we can be sure of”, Neeson continued, “is that this stain will be written about in textbooks for generations to come.”

Both Thomson and Neeson have been nominated for Nobel Prizes for their work on the project.