SAINT PETER, MN- Earlier this week many students found themselves surrounded by high school students, and understandably many were worried about future instances of the next campus wide upsurge. To calm these fears, a public statement about the recent outbreak has been made by Gustavus president Becky Bergman. In the statement released last night, there were many depictions of cluttered hallways and government sponsored meal plans, most of which were too graphic to be published on a school sponsored website. So here are the most important pieces of information on how to diagnose and treat a future high school student outbreak.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE:

All or just a few of these symptoms may be experienced by Gustavus students in the event of an outbreak.

• A heightened awareness of petty drama and gossip
• A lurking fear that you will never be better in any moment in your life than you were in High School.
• Hearing unnecessarily loud, excited screams at any hour of the day for two friends that have seen each other after being apart for longer than two hours.
• A general aura of childish hate and bitterness.
• Feeling like a goth phase is coming on.
• A light fever as your body attempts to reject the sheer amount of Axe body spray.

TREATMENTS:

Treatments can vary based on how intense symptoms are, but these are a few that your health care professional may recommend.

• Writing a 14 page essay.
• Voting.
• Going to bed whenever you want to.
• Saying “fuck” in front of your professor.
• Going on Disney.com without a parent’s permission.

Only the most diligent and brave students on Gustavus Adolphus College can prevent the next high school student epidemic, so the next time that there is a campus wide outbreak, remember to contact Health Services so that they can reach the Center for Disease Control in a timely fashion.