CHOICE Student has a Panic Attack After Finding Root Beer Bottles Outside of Room

ST PETER, MN- First-year Hope Charity reportedly walked back to her home in Co-ed section 1A  and according to her roommate, Bless Johnson, “proceed to trip over after seeing the unthinkable sitting in front of her door: a glass bottle.” Witnesses claim that Charity was very “confused as she has never a seen glass beer-esque bottle in her entire life.” In a report filed by Campus Safety officer, Bear Tin, the glass bottle “once contained root beer.”

“While I was walking, I was just thinking about how stressed I am about all of the two-page papers I have to do for my Three Crowns classes; I have to make it perfect and get all of those extra-credits,” Charity said. “Suddenly, I just tripped over this thing on the ground that no Bible could ever begin to teach me about.”

Charity paused on the ground to contemplate what this mysterious object could be.  An anonymous CF on duty told us that when they walked through on rounds, she was just kind of sitting on the ground giggling while turning the bottle in her hands, hitting it on other objects, and blowing into it like it was some sort of musical instrument.  “I just thought she was doing one of those creepy CHOICE kid rituals,” the CF said. “I just kind of let her be.”

After studying the bottle for several minutes, anonymous sources claimed that Charity randomly screamed in agony, like “how the Wicked Witch of the West screeched when she was melting.”  Charity remembered that she indeed did know what this object was. Charity told us later that she watched a movie one time while her parents were asleep called “Girls Gone Wild,” and she saw this same mysterious object, and there was alcohol in it.

“But, I live in a CHOICE Section,” exclaimed Charity. “How could there be any one partying when we are not allowed? My section mates all say that we are cooler than alcohol because we are cool cats.”

Charity proceeded to call Campus Safety 12 times until finally the dispatcher got sick of her and sent an officer up.  The Campus Safety Officer says that at this point, “Charity was running up and down the halls, knocking loudly on people’s doors, trying to get them to give up all of the sinful bottles that they have or else.”  Campus Safety was able to calm down Charity after giving her a hug and just showing her that it was a root beer bottle.

“I tend to over-react a bit about everything,” Charity said. “I mean, I am a perfect sunflower. Of course, I knew that it was just root beer; I was just having fun.  This better not go on my permanent record.”


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