CAMPUS NEWS

Scientists Cancel Global Warming Because it’s Cold

SAINT PETER, MN-   Representatives from the Global Cabal of Scientists announced this week that they would cancel “the whole ‘global warming’ thing because the weather had gotten cold.”  “We just figured that once it’s snowed a little bit, it’s too much work to keep the hoax going.  We thought we had the whole lie perfected, but we didn’t anticipate that it might become winter, disproving it all.”

The scientists’ clever ploy to destroy the world’s economy by halting industry for literally no reason was thwarted when the wind got a chilly and a little snow fell.  Years of lies came crashing down the moment the first flake hit the ground.  Ryan McGinty, president of the Gustavus Greens, voiced dismay at the turn of events: “Well shoot, this is really inconvenient. The plan was to make some more posters raising awareness for climate change, but I guess this puts an end to that.  What am I going to do with my time now if I’m spending it trying to perpetuate a massive conspiracy?”

Some celebrated this sudden turn of events, one Board member who wished to remain anonymous said, “I’m so glad this whole global warming thing turns out to be fake. It really takes away the moral imperative to stop profiting off the suffering of others that fossil fuels cause.  Now we can have free reign to invest even more in oil and coal.  Drill baby, drill!”

Surprisingly the Environmental Studies department also seemed to be celebrating.  Senior Sarah Faustitch was playing hockey with her copy of An Inconvenient Truth.  “Holy cow this is a relief.  Everything we’ve learned over the past four years about the effects human ignorance and greed has had on the planet just made us super depressed.  But it turns out that it was all just a clever ruse?  That’s a weight off my mind.  And to think we were about to make the world a better place for no reason.  Plus this is just in time for Black Friday shopping, so there goes that guilt at rabid consumption.”

We reached out to Al Gore for comment, but received only a voicemail of twenty minutes of quiet sobbing in response.    

 

  

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS