CAMPUS NEWS

The Definitive Ranking of the MIAC Schools

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MINNESOTA- With winter break around the corner, the excitement and sheer desperation of the overly tired and simultaneously overly caffeinated students is tangible. Mental breakdowns are coming down like the snowflakes we should have but don’t because of global warming. So in the spirit of the holidays and to distract us from our own pathetic reality, the Fourth Crown staff has decided to make a definitive ranking of all the MIAC schools because what screams “holiday spirit” more than bitterness, jealousy, and competition?!

 

  1. University of St. Thomas- Was anyone expecting anything else? FST.

 

  1. Concordia College- Unmemorable. Honestly how are they even part of the MIAC? They’re basically in North Dakota.

 

  1. Bethel University- They have something called “Ring by Spring” and honestly that just freaks us out. Commitment? No thanks!

 

  1. St. Catherine University- Who would willingly go to this school? Everyone knows that “Catherine” is spelled with a K….

 

  1. Augsburg University- They’re like that kid that tags along to everything even though they weren’t invited. Wannabe cool kid. Not fooling anyone.

 

  1. Carleton College- The crazy cat lady of the MIAC. Excels at school to a fault where they are socially challenged.

 

  1. Saint John’s University- While they have great school spirit, it’s because they’ve all known each other since high school. Just couldn’t close that yearbook all the way.

 

  1. College of Saint Benedict- Ranked higher than Saint John’s because girls rule and boys drool.

 

  1. St. Olaf College- Their campus smells like cookies which distracts the students from remembering they go to St. Olaf.

 

  1. Saint Mary’s University- This wild card made it far up the list solely because of how beautiful Winona is. If they were located elsewhere, it would be a whole different story.

 

  1. Hamline University- They have the word “ham” in their name which is a delightful coincidence.

 

  1. Macalester College- Named after the genius Kevin McCallister from the hit movie “Home Alone” (different spelling). Understandable as he is the mastermind of our generation.

 

  1. Gustavus Adolphus College- Home of the Attractive, Intelligent, Athletic, Artistic, Hilarious, Gorgeous, and Modest Gusties. The best of the best. Keep up, haters.

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