PETER, MN-  Word broke to the Fourth Crown staff at 5:13pm Friday evening when a little birdie described a little shindig happening at “Samantha’s” house down the hill. It was supposed to be “lit, bro.” Given that our staff is not “cool enough” to get invited to these sorts of things, we put on our drunk, naive freshman disguises and followed the hoards of girls shivering in crop tops down the hill to see if this party was totally on fire like that one JV Football player said.

The first thing that we noticed as we were ushered into the door was this great piece of Avant Garde art work sprawled out in the middle of the floor.  This figure was draped in clothing made out spandex and sequins, and was positioned to look as if it just decided to collapse on the ground to take a nap. “It was quite a tasteful piece,” said writer Artie Fartsie, “she must have had to put in a lot of work in such a short amount of time in order to be able to just lie there like that, with people walking all over her.”

The rest of the party was pretty lackluster after that.  “I just wanted to go home,” said editor-in-chief Maggie Jones, “I was so sick of dodging piles of vomit, and people kept asking me to ‘give them some.’  There was no way I was giving them anything!”

The moment  receiving the Fourth Crown Staff’s, “#whygustavus award” was when Samantha decided to burn her personal belongings.  “That smell of molten plastic and lost hopes and dreams may have wanted to make most people transfer to a new school,” said Photoshopper Arnold Lentil, “but that smell reminded me of a more simple time, a time when I burnt my little sister’s fake, Barbie credit card just to piss her off.”

Overall, this party was kind of a shitty experience, and we think that we will just stick to watching all the drama and stupidity go down on Snapchat next week.