The Official Fourth Crown Christmas Wish List

SAINT PETER, MN- Look, we know that journalism is a nasty business, but we promise that we have been good this year. Anyone who says otherwise can speak to our nonexistent legal department. Anyway, after much consideration, here is our official Christmas wish list:

  1. We want CAB to finally book an appearance from Jeff Goldblum – Honestly he doesn’t even have to do anything. He could just catch up on emails, that would be fine.
  2. The universal remote from “Click” (but with less tragedy) – Has anyone actually been to the back of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond? Adam Sandler knows something we don’t.
  3. A portrait of our likeness to be hung in the campus center – Not each of us, mind you, but a single face mashup of the entire Fourth Crown staff.
  4. A forbidden section in the library that we can sneak into when we feel sneaky. We always feel sneaky.
  5. A Twitter setting that automatically blocks all business/management majors.
  6. A higher ratio of parking spaces to students.
  7. Turn the cross on the spire of Christ Chapel into a large fan when it gets hot again – This one’s negotiable.
  8. The rights to the “Home Alone” franchise so we can finally make a sequel that does justice to the original.
  9. A Biden/Bergman 2020 presidential campaign – A gift to the world.
  10. Actual money, not that Monopoly crap
  11. A Proletariat uprising
  12. Net Neutrality
  13. Socks that stay on my feet when I am asleep in bed.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS