SAINT-PETER, MN- New Year’s Eve symbolizes the end of the past and the beginning of the future- or some shit like that. While some may feel excited to usher in a new calendar year, others quiver with fear as many young adults purposely inhale large amounts of alcohol to celebrate the start of a literal new year.
In an exclusive interview with a freshly harvested liver, it seems that most internal organs fear the large amount of overtime they will have to do in order to keep their host functioning.
“Every New Year’s Eve I take a real pounding,” said Larry the liver. “Sure, I’ve been described as resilient before but that only goes so far. I’m starting to feel it is time to send out my resume to other possible employers. I have three kids and a beautiful wife. In this economy, I have to be prepared for anything.”
Internal organs are not the only group that dreads working New Year’s Eve.
Dr. Lucas Firetruck said, “Every year we have dozens of students that complain of mysterious headaches after snorting large amounts of alcohol. It turns out that too much alcohol can lead a person to feel ill the day after. Some of the weaker students claim to have ‘an upset tummy’ within a few hours of consumption. Not a big deal, tbh.”
Other medical professionals strongly advise students to use caution while consuming. Dentist Leonard Mermaids reported: “I am tired of dealing with a bunch of drunk kids on New Year’s Eve. I mean, I haven’t worked under this type of stress since Case Day 2k17.”
Some students, such as senior history Major, Teagan Jansen or “TJ,” relish this yearly tradition: ‘“Participating in mass consumption helps me evade directly addressing my repressed emotions and tumultuous childhood. It’s like that part of me just melts away. But I gotta be honest and say the alcohol shits the next morning are always legendary. “
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