St. PETER MN- Recently, ResLife and CAB sponsored a “Potions and Crafts Night,” where budding, not-so-young wizards and witches who never received their Hogwarts letters could fulfill their dreams by constructing their very own wands and potions. This is the first time Administration has let CAB host an event that featured the mixing of student’s own beverages since 1968, when hundreds of students vomited their guts out and turned into cannibals after a student switched tomato juice with a mixture of pig blood, weed, and “powdered sugar.”
Claiming that this event was going to be safe and fun, Cabbies and CFS were hopeful that their event would not end in disaster like they are notorious for. Cabbies advertised the event by saying that they wanted people to have fun, but not too much fun, as the CFs were there.
According to sources, first-year Neville Shorthead, was having, “way too much fun,” at the Potions table, mixing together large amounts of ingredients to make potions such as Felix Felicis, Polyjuice Potion, and Draught of Peace. According to Shorthead’s best friend, first-year Mimi Ranger, “Neville had no idea what he was doing, and put in two drops too many of the mint extract. That dimwit made Sleeping Draught.”
Ranger tried to coax Shorthead to spit out the Sleeping Draught, but it was too late. Shorthead turned into this slow-walking, slug-looking thing and proceeded to go on a rampage, knocking over any table, wand, or cauldron that was in his way. All of the wizards and witches present got really excited by this, and proceeded to cast curses at the apparent monster.
Even the Hockey players passing by the Courtyard got excited by the chaos brewing, and decided to throw cups of hot coffee at Shorthead, thinking it would help. Witnesses were confused by this behavior, but all of us here at the Fourth Crown assume it’s because they have probably never read Harry Potter, and were trying to cure what appeared to be a nasty hangover.
“This kid, I just don’t know what his deal was,” said junior Ginny Wheatie, “but he just kept stumbling slowly towards me when I was just trying to make my wand. It was only when CF Percy Karret threatened to “tell Professor McGonagall on him” that the kid stopped his advances and proceeded to terrorize a garbage can which he was certain to be Draco Malfoy.
Finally, after much debate, Campus Safety was called in, and they were able to sedate Neville Shortbottom after forcing a mixture of more Sleeping Draught and a variation of “Wolfsbane” down his throat. At this time, Shortbottom is making marvelous recoveries at Health Services, but he will likely sleep through the rest of “play-term.” CAB and ResLife promise that nothing like this will happen again, and will host an educational screening of “Night of the Living Dead,” to prepare students for the inevitable zombie invasion next year.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS