CAMPUS NEWS

Doped-Up Russian Athlete Accidentally Does Triple Corkscrew 1260 Flip During Curling Match

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA- The Olympics are often full of shocking scandals: finding out that Lindsey Vonn put tiny rocket propellers on her skis, or that Shaun White is actually just two chimpanzees inside a jacket. The 2018 Olympics have had their fair share of Olympic scandals.

 

This week, a Russian curler, Vladimir Vodkastroganoff, was accused of using performance-enhancing drugs after his bronze medal win. The Olympic Committee began to suspect Vodkastroganoff after he performed a “Triple Corkscrew 1260” during his match, a previously unheard-of trick. The Fourth Crown followed up with one of the Olympic Officials after the performance.

 

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my life”, the official told us, “the grace, the style, and I didn’t even know it was possible to snowboard on an ice rink like that. I would give it a perfect 100 score, but unfortunately this is a curling match and none of this means anything.”

 

After winning the bronze medal, a urine-test revealed Vodkastroganoff’s secret. “I should have known” said Vladimir’s coach, “there were so many signs, like when he cross-country skiied all the way to the Olympics from Moscow, or when he sent that curling stone way the hell into orbit around the Earth.”

 

Vodkastroganoff was disqualified from the curling match, and is currently being sued by Shaun White for stealing his trick.

 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS