ST PETER, MN- As usual, CAB hasn’t hired anyone good, or even picked great nominees for the semi-annual “Big Concert” this year. Every student on campus has been groaning and moaning at the list of finalists chosen for students to vote on. “With Bologna-Man McCartney and those LSD-Shooting Trees, I am really just sick of this torture of not knowing what monstrosity of evil CAB is hiring and want to be put out of my misery already!” said super-Senior Bradley Loserstein.
While practically everyone on Campus is sick of CAB’s secretiveness, CAB is just sick of everyone’s bullshit. Since we get so nosy up here at the Fourth Crown, we sent in one of our investigative reporters, along with our HR Representative, Deb, for backup, to discuss with CAB’s President Bartholomew Bathafew CAB’s intentions of not hiring an actual real person with talent.
When questioned about the choosing of this year’s nominees, Bathafew told us that “quite honestly, we’re not going to hire anyone good until more people start coming to our events.” Bathafew went on to talk about how he hasn’t seen anybody but giggly, first-year girls and a sad-looking Cribbage expert trying to make friends at recent events, and he wants at least one sports dude to come.
When questioned about how the nominee list came to be, Bathafew stated that “the nominees are based on the demographics of the students who come to all of the Canvas Painting, Mug Painting, Pot Painting and other painting events.” Bathafew then just sat in an awkward silence, twiddling his thumbs and sighing with angst to himself as he knew what he just said was a complete utter lie. Barthafew then broke the silence in an attempt to save himself by saying that there is going to hire another live band for President’s Ball if no more than 40 people show up to the next Canvas painting night.
We at the Fourth Crown know that obviously, CAB has not done their homework, as first-year Trisha Porter told us that she really wants “someone like Trampled By Turtles, Kendrick Lamar, or even that hypnotist guy,” and that “they would add some much needed musical diversity on this campus!” We couldn’t get another word out of Porter, as she then flounced off into the Caf.
CAB advisor Andraya Jungman popped right into our conversation and gave us one final statement before she kicked us out of her office forever. “It really isn’t just because people don’t ever come to our endless crafting events. I just care about my Gustie Greeters more and their Open House was my priority.
At this point, we were quickly escorted out of the Campus Activities Office and left to absorb the shocking information we had just received. Jungman and Barthafew refuse to make any more statements until the lawyer they hired with their large budget flies into Minnesota and people start buying tickets for P-Ball.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS