SAINT PETER, MN- Senior Psychology major Jean Ristow recently completed an independent research project aimed at studying “why the hell everyone’s bitmojis are so hot”. Ristow said her inspiration for the study came after the crushing disappointment of meeting a fellow Gustie who looked nothing like his “beefcake” bitmoji. “I vowed to turn this injustice into action by revealing the true extent of the problem,” said Ristow.
The study reported that about 86 percent of bitmojis were hotter than the actual person, a conservative estimate. We asked other students to comment on the findings of the study. “I’ve never heard anything more true in my life,” sophomore Chris Bellings replied, “half the time when I’m [being intimate with] my girlfriend I’m thinking about her bitmoji. It’s the only thing that gets me going anymore. You’re not gonna use any of this in your article, are you?”
Several faculty members have gone on record to say that the study was not reviewed or permitted by any faculty. One professor said, “None of this study abided by any statistical research methods whatsoever, although lord help me if it ain’t true, my bitmoji is straight-up fuckable.”
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