CAMPUS NEWS

It Was Ice-T’s Birthday Last Month and None of You Sent Him a Fucking Card

SAINT PETER, MN- Last month it was TV and Music Icon Ice-T’s birthday and all of you forgot.

Tracy Lauren “Ice-T” Marrow was born sixty years ago in the year of our Lord, 1958. He dedicated his life to providing entertainment to all of you ungrateful people through his music and Emmy Award eligible acting, and when he needed you the most he was abandoned. Ice-T, the man who— alongside Ice-Cube— brought us the summer drink, iced tea. Americans chose that drink above all others. He saved countless lives from burnt tongues and  gave us the bitter cold leaf water that we deserved. That’s not to mention the endurance he created over the years to withstand dumb iced tea jokes like that, and he did it all so you could poke fun at his name.

I know you all forgot about his birthday when he turned fifty too, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, we could turn that around and do something special for him this year. But no, you dropped the ball on that one too. Instead, the only recognition that this beautiful man got from the world was in the form of a group card from the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit cast and crew, and you know that it was all Christopher Meloni’s idea. No one else pitched in (I’m looking at you Dann Florek. We all know you have the money.)

The Fourth Crown would like to send a personal apology to Mr. T. The students here at Gustavus Adolphus College don’t deserve you, and maybe no one on this planet does. We don’t deserve you clemency, yet we know that you will forgive us. That’s just the Aquarius in you.

So a late Happy Birthday to you, Ice-T. We all wish you many more to come.

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