The Emcee From Cabaret Is Narrating Everyone’s Lives in the Theater Building and Won’t Stop

St. Peter MN- Gustavus’ Theater and Dance department just finished their run of the hit musical “Cabaret” over the weekend to most of the actors’ excitement.  While the dancers and actors were glad to be able to wear clothes again and not be reported for bias and Title IX incidents, one actor can’t seem to break character.

Recently, theater and dance students have become accustomed to the Emcee from Cabaret in full makeup just chilling outside Kresge waiting for whatever victims to come by. Sources say that he usually tries to pick on the easy targets, telling them everything that they already know to be true about themselves.  While he used to be around only during class hours waiting to tell people their deep dark secrets, he recently has been seen with a blanket and a crate of Ramen, so he can stay in his spot and prey on the lonely janitor who has to clean up random piles of glitter at night.

Our photo guy, Steve, managed to run into the Emcee while leaving his Beginning Ballet class, so he sat down with the Emcee over mocktails and asked the Emcee why he is doing this.  “I’ve already brought to everyone’s attention the hate and bias against Jewish people at the Kit Kat Klub,” said the Emcee. “Now I move on to my next project, bringing the bias and favoritism that goes on inside the sacred, Anderson theater.”

Honestly, most of the dancers and theatre nerds don’t care, and just regard the Emcee as another piece of “beautifully awkward scenery.”  Our writers who have classes in the building have seen him being fed treats and scratched behind the ear every time that he’s a good boy and doesn’t get a lawsuit filed against himself.

A select few theater kids are not as enthused by the lounge’s new mascot.  Senior Theater Major Gina Spelvin is upset because he “keeps telling me how I only get cast in the shows because I am the director’s favorite!”  Spelvin then tried to convince us that this director never plays favorites, but we just weren’t buying it.

All fun does have to come to an end sometime.  The nightly janitor reported to us that he saw director Andy Waterbeef late last night moaning about how “there isn’t any more Diet Dr. Pepper anywhere.” She then ran into the Emcee, who told Waterbeef how much of a hypocrite she is.  Waterbeef responded to the Emcee saying she, “doesn’t hate on anyone, and that if he wants to make a difference, he should start a theater troupe or put up some controversial posters.”

After a full out brawl was held, Campus Safety hauled the both of them out of the theater building. While the Emcee is facing a hefty fine, Waterbeef leaves unscratched. Campus Safety may despise the justice that the Emcee brought to the world, but we here at the Fourth Crown applaud it and have extended an invitation for the Emcee to join our staff today.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS