St. Peter, MN- Gustavus is known for harboring a long tradition of Fulbright scholars. Every year there are competitive upperclassman who try their hardest to work through the application process in order to be chosen for one of the greatest resume-builders in modern academia.

One of the reasons Gusties have been so consistently successful is because they are able to reach out to Alumni who went through the same process for advice. The most common tidbit passed down in recent years has been to never take no for an answer. Laurie Wasdahl, a recent Gustie Graduate and current Fulbright Scholar emailed our office without our asking last week telling us that, “Only assertive and persistent people are able to win in this world. We play for keeps out here.”

This borderline-unethical attitude has come to a head this year as the Fulbright offices have obtained restraining orders on 9 current Gustie Seniors. One Fulbright authority (Lieutenant, Manager, Captain?) came forward to issue a public statement on Monday. “I have never felt more personally attacked by the confidence of another human being. There have been many applications through our program over the years, but these 9 students have displayed such a commitment to the rat-race of higher education that my self-esteem has tanked. I am emotionally unable to handle my puny life in the face of such bad-ass individuals. Because of this, we ask that they please stop calling, emailing, and penning thoughtful notes to our office about what they could bring to the Fulbright heritage. If you do not desist, we will involve the authorities.”

The 9 have been seen across campus in various locations sobbing and trying to practice their handshakes with anyone who passes by.