It was discovered last night that Philosophy minor, Sean Womac, became lost in the Existential Wilds of his life. He resorted to drinking his own urine to survive. “I just went out for a brief exploration of self-reflection, and the next thing I knew I was trying to figure out if there was any way to know if the life I’m living is the best life. I couldn’t escape the pit of pondering if I am meant for a higher purpose, or just merely to exist. It was like 127 Hours if instead of a boulder I was trapped under self-doubt. I had gone so long without fresh water I ended up resorting to the Bear Grylls cocktail. I didn’t like it, but I had to do it.”
According to Sean’s roommates they hadn’t even noticed he was gone. “We went for a walk in the Arb with him and he zoned out for a while. All of a sudden he was peeing in a hole and lapping it up again. It was bizarre, but kind of awesome.” This discrepancy in the amount of time Sean was gone can be chalked up to the Inception Law. Time within the mind, especially the deeper down you go, slows down. Sean felt that he was gone for days, but his roommates say merely a few minutes.
Chair of the Philosophy Department, Sue Bakers warned against inexperienced students taking such a journey. “It’s very easy to being sucked into a vortex of existential angst. That’s why I recommend never traveling without a philosophy major as a guide. Mr. Womac was a minor, but that false sense of self confidence that he got was probably more dangerous. It’s lucky he’d watched so much Man vs. Wild. Drinking his pee was the right move.”
It seems that this whole situation is actually a fairly common practice in the philosophical community. Just to test their skills they’ll lose themselves in the Wilds of the Mind for a while. That’s actually the reason behind Nietzsche’s mustache, it helped filter out dirt and stuff whenever he needed a drink in the Wilds.
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