SAINT PETER,MN- Earlier this week Keith Benson, Assistant Director of Dining Services, announced that the Gustavus Market Place will now offer Sweet Martha’s Cookies. Known as a Minnesota State Fair favorite, the Advancement Office hopes to exploit this sweet treat for an increase in revenue.
In response to the decision, President Becky Bergman explained: “In the Strategic Plan, we had boring stuff like ‘turn off the power in Prairie View for a few nights’ or ‘increase student outreach programs to generate interest in Gustavus.’ However, I now realize that we have to give the people what they want: a literal bucket load of Cookie Monster’s most orgasmic wet dream. It’s so simple.”
Students had a similar enthusiastic response. Senior Meghaen Johannesburger said, “I love Sweet Martha’s tiny cookies! They are so much easier to steal! Godspeed to all!”
Even with widespread support, logistical issues still need to be dealt with. Dietician Berta VanDoodle reported, “We have many students on campus who have serious allergies to some of the ingredients found in the cookie. For example, it contains soy, dairy, and gluten. To be on the safe side, I advise building a designated area to house this all-time favorite dessert. Maybe even a new building.”
However, some students who have deadly food-related allergies seem less concerned. Junior Tom Sansberg detailed: “Soy makes me shit my organs out, but I will still eat Sweet Martha’s Cookies. Even though I might die on the toilet, I know I will die happy. A heart full of delight and a mouthful of cavities.”
Whether or not Gustavus will invest in building a new structure to house the cookies is rather unlikely. Yet, some rumors indicate that canceling the new Nobel building project will leave just enough money to build a sort of ‘lemonade stand’ style area to offer the product. No matter the choice, one thing is clear: Gustavus made capitalism count.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS