CAMPUS NEWS

Res-Life To Demolish All Off-Campus Houses

St. Peter, MN- In a stunning move, Residential Life at Gustavus has announced that their next major project will be demolishing all off-campus houses. With enrollment on the decline, the college has decided that this is the best way to cut down on costs in the coming years.

Many students at Gustavus have already expressed outrage at the fact that off-campus housing will not be available for most Seniors in the coming fall, so it is likely that this decision to completely get rid of all houses that aren’t Gustavus Dormitories will be poorly received by the campus at large.

It’s clear that the Res-Life office is prepared to defend its controversial decision. Citing the fact that Gustavus prides itself in being a 4-year residential college, Residential Officer James Kettle went on the record saying, “Nobody should be surprised that Gustavus is not committed to keeping non-residential options afloat. We’ve always clearly supported milking students for four years worth of rent money, and crushing all other housing options in the world with a flaming bulldozer is the surest way to keep them on campus.”

It is unclear exactly how long the demolition process will take, but physical plant will begin the process as soon as construction of the sexy new Nobel is finished.

 

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