CAMPUS NEWS

Descendants of Titanic Victims Site Global Warming as Key to Victory in War on Icebergs

The Friends Against Repeating the Titanic (FARTT) announced today that an important milestone had been reached in their century long goal.  “After years of hard work, we can announce that we have finally struck a blow in memory of those the world lost to the cold merciless hands of North Atlantic Icebergs,”  FARTT spokesman Terry Whipshaw said. “Global Warming has reached has officially reached a point of no return, so the days of floating sea ice plaguing us, haunting our waking nightmares is finally at an end.”

This announcement came in the wake of satellite images showing that even in the deep of winter the Arctic Ice-cap continues to show signs of occasional melting.  Sighting this as the beginning of the end for their struggle, FARTT, which represents a coalition of Titanic victim descendants, held celebrations around the country.  Over the din of a crowd singing My Heart Will Go On in celebration Whipshaw yelled: “We’ve been lobbying for looser regulations on the fossil fuel industry for decades. We were worried once all this alternative energy stuff started popping up, but it was too little too late.  I’d like to give a shout out to those of you who use leave the lights on when you leave the room, and everyone who buys tropical fruits in the winter. We couldn’t have done this without all the greenhouse gasses you caused, so thank you.”  

Not every member of FARTT can trace their lineage back to a passenger on the Titanic, some are much newer members, joining the cause in the late ‘90s in the wake of the Titanic movie.  One such member, Kyle Diggs, tweeted “Just heard the news! Way to go guys! I’m sure Leo would be proud! #KingoftheWaterWorld #Justice4Jack.”

When asked  Environmental Studies Professor Sheila Williams for her take: “Like, I know this is for your funny little article, but I cannot stress enough how bad climate change is.  Entire global systems are collapsing, it’s only a matter of time before we run out of food, and water, followed by the fall of society, but yes FARTT is an amusing name.”

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS