CAMPUS NEWS

Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth II Pearl Speakers Selected as Commencement Speaker

The commencement day speaker selection committee announced earlier this morning that Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth II Pearl Speakers will represent the class of 2018. Committee head, NononNsense Van Iwannabebecky explained: “We selected Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth II Pearl Speakers as commencement speaker because we believe the 1.5 pound set of wires and hardware truly displays how universal the Gustavus experience is.”

With a rating of 4.5 out of 5 stars on Amazon, the Bose Soundlink Speakers surpassed most of the credentials of other applicants.

Another committee member, Junior Anna Belley said:  “Bose has a ten-hour battery change. That’s long enough to run through a few practice sessions and still have some juice left for commencement day. In addition, it has wireless capabilities and bluetooth pairing. Show me another Gustie that has that!”

Senior commencement speaker reject, Maggie Jane, seemed less enthused over the decision: “What the hell? Are actually you fucking kidding me?”

Aside from Jane, many members of the 2018 student body recount positive experiences that Bose has helped to facilitate: “Yesterday, I played Weird Al Yankovic’s ‘Bad Hair Day’ from 1996 and honestly, ‘Amish Paradise’ never sounded so good. If Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth II Pearl Speakers can make Weird Al sound like contemporary hip-hop, surely it can make commencement day less painful.”

Bose Soundlink Mini Bluetooth II Pearl Speakers plans to talk about their Gustavus experience through the form of hit country songs. It is rumored that a rendition of Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” will take up a bulk of the speech.

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