SAINT PETER, MN — Gus the Lion is currently searching for a new human host. He has posted on Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, and EVERY POSTERBOARD IN CAMPUS CENTER.
An ideal host would be at least 5’6, resistant to his enzymes that consume his hosts throughout a four-year process, but the opening is for anyone with a fun, sportsmanlike attitude who is passionate about Gustavus Athletics. The only requirement is that you have to be up for anything.
Gus has been consuming more and more hosts at an exponential rate, and if his hunger is not sated with a consenting host, he will continue to eat the entire campus population. Campus Safety is getting overwhelmed with the amount of reports of animal attacks in residential buildings, so please lock your doors and windows and don’t play the rouser unless absolutely necessary. Stay safe out there, Gusties. Also, if you’re interested in auditioning as a human host, please attend the Gus the Lion tryouts.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS