CAMPUS NEWS

10 Ways to Make the Construction Zone Work for You

1-Blame the Fence for Every Late Arrival: What is more annoying than having to create a new excuse for every time you’re late for something. This fence is a blessing in disguise as you now have an excuse for showing up late to classes and social events. This is your moment, Late People, grasp it.

2-Hop the fence: This one is for the On Time/ Early People. For you guys, just hop the fence. Yeah, sure, there’s a fine for that and you may be arrested. But what’s the real crime here? Trespassing or putting fencing around your favorite sidewalk?

3- Invest in a pair of Moon Shoes: If you follow step two, I would suggest investing in a pair of Moon Shoes. They may be hard to find as they haven’t been relevant since they broke your ankle in 2002, but they may prove useful for hopping that fence. Plus, then you’ll have the most bitchin’ pair of shoes on campus.

4-Befriend the Construction Workers: Make a new friend, we all need one. Maybe get lunch with your new pal. They’re making us a second café in the cold; they need a shoulder to cry on.

5-Get a Hard Hat and Join the Fun: Okay, so friendship didn’t work. Maybe try infiltrating their ranks and tricking them into being a lifelong companion. This one will require some manual labor, but that’s the price we pay.

6-Scale the Crane: We’ve all seen movies, so we know that scaling shit looks awesome. Get your Moon Shoes, jump that fence, and harness your inner Spider-man.

7-Hoist a Flag on the Crane and Claim the Construction Site as Your Own: You’ve already scaled the damn thing, claim the territory. You can make a flag out of your roommate’s comforter and a sharpie if you choose to go this route.

8- Impose Harsh Tariffs on Your New Settlement: Now that you are the ruler of a patch of ground near Nobel, you can do as you please with the land. I would suggest raising tariffs on all imported goods by 34% for a start.

9- Claim the Surrounding Territory: Now that you are a benevolent ruler, use your army of construction workers to claim the rest of GAC. What are they going to do, send some history nerd? Please. You can take them. First GAC, then St. Peter, then EVERYTHING.

10- Destroy the Planet: You are the ruler of everything, and you have EVERYTHING, so what is the point. It’s only a matter of time before you are overthrown. If you destroy the world before they can restore peace, then you win. Not only do you win the global power struggle, but you showed that construction site who’s boss. In the end, that’s all that matters.

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS