CAMPUS NEWS

Student Vows Celibacy Until the Completion of Nobel Hall Renovation

SAINT PETER,MN-  Sophomore Snick Minnows posted the following statement to the Overheard at Gustavus Facebook page last night. He is now claiming an abstinence from sexual activity until the eagerly awaited completion of the Nobel science hall renovations currently underway.

“It’s not that I want to be celibate,” Minnows said in his post on the public group page, “It’s just that I can’t get it up while there is such a clearly larger phallus on campus, so what else would I do?”

The post was made following an erroneous publication in the Gustavian Weekly opinion column, where staff writer Debbica Snow praised Minnows for his chastity and pure intent.

“I want to clear the water,” Minnows said in response to Snow calling him a ‘Campus treasure’ and ‘non-erectile icon’. “I haven’t felt my downstairs construction equipment move since they put that damn crane on campus.”

Other students have voiced interest in the conversation unfolding. President of Triple A, and long time advocate for soft penises, Jasmine Hands, was ecstatic to see Minnows post on overheard.

“Asexual erasure is the worst thing to happen to the queer community since the invention of Doc Martens.” Hands, founding member of Asexuals and Allies, said in an interview following their response to Minnows’ comment. “I was incredibly excited (though not sexually) to see the conversation turn more to our community. I for one have been waiting for someone of public gravitas to approach this issue for years. We need a champion… and we finally have one.”

Whether or not Minnows will achieve a full erection is up in the air. What can be certain is that, regardless of if he can get it up or not, the campus will be watching.

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