ST PETER MN- “The CF on Duty was exactly one minute and 43 seconds faster in response time than when I called them last week,” says first-year CHOICE student Hope Charity “and I was confused why until I saw their amazing, awesome, new “duty packs.” No longer do I have to worry about them struggling with those cumbersome drawstring bags and not being able to catch all those criminals doing crimes in time any longer.” Charity and her roommate, Bless Johnson, proceeded to cheer with excitement and raise a toast with bottles of root beer.
It was revealed on Sunday on the GACRL Instagram page that instead of the nightly CFs on Duty toting around drawstring backpacks when they patrol the dorms, the CFs will now be wearing fanny packs. No one really knows why this change was needed, but Gustie Greeter and staff writer Zed Bundy speculates that maybe, CFs have too much of a load on their shoulders already, so ResLife wanted to compensate them even more than they are by rewarding them with the latest styles in Student Affairs fashion.
Naturally, only the CFs really care about this change. Our photo guy, Steve, heard all about it. “I am a little too happy about these duty packs,” says sophomore CF Alice “Blaze” Tzatziki. “It has pockets for EVERYTHING! I have a pocket for the phone for when I need to catch the hooligans, a pocket for my notepad to write about the hooligans, a breath mint for any hooligan who needs it, and most importantly, my special, comfort brownie for when my blood sugar gets too low dealing with potheads, and I need to take the edge of.” Tzatziki then winked at Steve, and we all felt a little uncomfortable.
While the CFs are loving it, not everyone is as enthused. We were outdoors during a weekly meeting when an anonymous petition was thrown at our group via a note tied to a brick and it stated the Soccer Mom Federation of America needed us to complete a mission for them: The Fourth Crown must deliver a petition to Gustavus Residential Life. We tried to stop the large mini-van from driving away, but the driver just threw another brick at us and claimed that she couldn’t talk now because she needed to drop off her crockpot of chili at Billy’s banquet before it was too late.
We were able to clean off all the chili stains and 3-year-old marker drawings to transcribe some of the petition here “Fanny Packs are meant for family fun. They symbolize vacations, long hikes, and first-aid. We wouldn’t be the moms we are today if we weren’t able to provide band aids, snacks […] CFs don’t live up to the soccer-mom glory. Do hoards of people show up to their parties and events? No. Don’t let those fun-sucking CFs ruin the bright, shining image of our beloved fanny packs.”
Gustavian Weekly Correspondent Ellie Drobbyson went on record saying, “Yeah the CFs may be harder to spot when they come prancing down the hall, but we should be able to hide all the goods in time and flee as long as the new bags don’t inhibit their crying pleas for me to come plant an ‘Identi-Tree’ or their smells of desperation.”
CFs, if any of you are reading this, we know how hard it can be when people are nothing but negative when you are just trying to have fun. If you need someone to talk to, we are always around. Like, seriously, always around. We can even give you free pizza or something.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS