CAMPUS NEWS

Finalist for Provost Position is Just Count Olaf in Disguise

OPINION PIECE, SAINT PETER, MN— There is a wolf in a sheep’s clothing lurking around campus. The phrase “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” does not refer to a wolf that raided the closet of a sheep and put on that sheep’s clothing, rather it is a dangerous force disguised as a non-threatening creature. This particular use refers to the murderer, criminal, and actor Count Olaf hiding in disguise as Provost— a fancy word for Vice President of Gustavus— Candidate, Harald Harker. 

I dread to think of what his plans are for our campus, by which I mean that I am filled with extreme fear and melancholy. You have come to the Fourth Crown to read only the most accurate news reports, but one cannot report information that one does not have. What scheme Count Olaf has for a college perched on a windy hill, I do not know. What I do know is that not one faculty member will listen to the voices of the students that have seen the wolf underneath the sheep’s clothing.

“He’s so obviously Count Olaf in disguise,” Mary Marigold told the Fourth Crown. “He told me as much himself once he was sure none of the faculty could hear him, and he even told me his plan.” When asked what Count Olaf’s plan was, Marigold responded as such. “Oh, I didn’t hear the plan; I was too distracted by his appalling acting. I’m a famous actress here on campus, and as every actor knows that you don’t break character when in costume.”

We may not know what plans Count Olaf has for our small college, but I beg you to be cautious. In all my encounters with Count Olaf, I have not yet had one that did not end in catastrophe and misfortune. We here at the Fourth Crown are taking a risk to tell you that he has come here, and we fear that after this article is published he will come after us. But as volunteer fact delivers we must take that risk. Be safe, Gustavus. There is a wolf lurking out there.

 

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS