CAMPUS NEWS

Sohre to be Renamed ‘The Heartbreak Hotel’

PETER MN-  Room Draw came around and has left us again for another year, only to have left quite a few residents of Gustavus Adolphus College not happy with their room draw assignments.  While a few first-years were naturally upset about not being assigned to a room just yet, many upper-classmen are just pissed off and have taken it into their own hands to petition for a new name for Sohre Hall: The Heartbreak Hotel.

“Sohre has lost all of its glory,” says sophomore and current Sohre resident Blaine Tzatziki. “Even the potheads don’t want to live here anymore.  We are really just taking anyone with a pulse and low room draw number at this point, so we need to give Sohre Hall a new name so it’s sorry residents know what they are getting into.

Tzatziki went on to tell our photo guy, Steve, about the origins of this new name.  Supposedly when Tzatziki went into room draw with his best, hockey-playing buds Jerry Stargazer, Herb Smokes, and Misha Potts, all that was left were doubles in Sohre.  The three friends reluctantly signed up for rooms, but then slowly trudged out of the room, crooning about how the halls were going to be “always crowded,” but are going to get “so lonely that [they] could die.” Thus, they were supposedly heartbroken.

It was reported on Sunday to the Fourth Crown that these average college-students wanted to partake in some “active citizenship,” whatever that means, so they wrote a letter to their local Area Coordinator asking for a name change.  We obtained a copy of their silly note by legal means, and used our photo guy Steve’s superpower laser eyes to see that it basically says that Sohre needed to be renamed the “Heartbreak Hotel” to make it sound like a house that all the cool kids would want to party at.

When we questioned Residential Life about the status of the petition calling a name-change to Sohre, Residential Life Director Charlotte Panns said: “I don’t see why Sohre is so unpopular with the masses.  I mean, who doesn’t want a leaky sink, little to no foot-traffic, and large closets?”

The ghost of Elvis Presley has heard about this new name and is planning on haunting “The Heartbreak Hotel” along with the help of the ghost of Sophie Sohre and the ghost of Rundstrom as punishment for copyright infringement.

Advertisements

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS