SAINT PETER, MN — Happy (almost) finals week, Gusties! With all of our assignments, papers, projects, and exams coming up, we here at The Fourth Crown know that it gets to be stressful sometimes. Well, don’t you fret! Health Services has found a way to provide a temporary solace from all of your academic woes: medically-induced comas–free of charge!

Stop in Health Services with your student I.D. and you can take a mental vacation for at least a full week. Side effects may include: failing your courses, bed sores, memory loss, pneumonia, vision loss, hearing loss, temporarily (or permanent) paralysis of the full body or limbs, The Fourth Crown writing an article about you, your loved ones abandoning you, your loved ones supporting you and loving you more than ever, and an allergy to pollen.

Stop in today!