CAMPUS NEWS

WOW! You Won’t Believe This Hot Summer Weight Loss Tip! It’s Leprosy.

It’s the infectious new health craze that’s sweeping the nation: leprosy is helping beach goers shed pounds quickly, and keep them off.  Senior Biology Major Alan Hershowitz lauded the health benefits of leprosy, What’s nice is that it’s all natural. It’s based on the same school of thought as the paleo-diet. Leprosy is the weight loss plan of the old days, the ways our ancestors lost weight, so it makes sense that it’s the way we should too.”

There is some concern in the medical field, but it seems the pros outweigh the cons when it comes to leprosy.  Nursing Major Stephanie Hull pointed out that “there’s no gym fees, no costly diet food. There’s not even a plan you have to restrict yourself to.  It is a lifetime contract, but you only contract it once in the beginning, and then you can forget about it. To be fair, it does end up costing an arm and a leg, but at least it’s free.”

Religion Major Chris Johnson pointed to the accounts of leprosy in the Bible, “Jesus cured the lepers, and people have said it was a miracle.  Now I don’t want to take away from the good works, or question Jesus, but it seems like that might have been premature. Were those lepers so bad off, or were they trend setting health gurus?  Maybe Jesus made a mistake. It’s something to think about, ya know?”

The leprotic method has only recently come to the US, but it gained popularity first in Sweden.  Swedish exchange student Svante Svanteson has had leprosy for three years now, and is still passionate about it, “I give leprosy two thumb stumps up.”  One downside, according to Svante, is that soccer is more difficult without the legs he’s lost. “It’s worth it though. With those two legs gone I’ve lost like 50 pounds.  Plus now I can be like that South African guy who ran in the Olympics, but hopefully with less murder.”

When asked for a comment, Head of the CDC Cheryl Masloski said “Oh my god this is all in such bad taste.”

Advertisements

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS