Hammock Envelops Student, Acquires Taste for Human Flesh

SAINT PETER, MN- May is the best time of the year to get outside, set up a hammock, and relax. This is exactly what first-year student, Cindy Vesper, did approximately two weeks ago.

Cindy’s friend Jasper was allegedly laying under a tree in the arboretum a couple of feet away from her when she she heard Cindy scream and then a large burp. Cindy has since been declared missing.

“I know what I saw, it was the hammock, it took her in like a Venus Flytrap, leaving no body parts behind, it was the perfect crime. Nobody in the administration or the police department will believe me,” reported Jasper.

Since the incident, three more students have been reported missing. Some students have begun to think that all of the disappearances should be attributed to the hammock. “That thing has been sitting out there for weeks now, waiting, waiting patiently, watching students walk by. Sometimes they’ll see that big, beautiful, empty hammock perched between two perfectly-spaced Norway Maples, and that’s when she gets ‘em,” said Senior Patrick Harris. “Gustavus students can’t resist a good hammock, it’s our disease.”

The investigation into the disappearances is ongoing, and the hammock remains swinging in the arboretum.  


Categories: CAMPUS NEWS