“Prairie in Progress” Disturbed, Old God Awakened

St. Peter MN- In the past few years, there has been an initiative on campus attempting to regrow and reclaim some of the natural prairie grass ecosystem that Gustavus was built on. This past Sunday night, however, some unexpected consequences were discovered. First-Year Steve Westfield was on his way to watch other students meet their soulmates at the square dance when he was suddenly hanging upside down, suspended ten feet in the air by 4 different kinds of grasses specific to the Southern Minnesota ecosystem. Although understandably disoriented, Westfield managed to free himself with relative ease, and the grasses quickly retreated back into the soil. Several more reports have been released since the incident, launching an investigation into the matter.


In recently unearthed texts, our researchers discovered the dark history of the Gustavus prairie. Hundreds of years ago, the prairie was at its most powerful, transcending its wispy and apparently extremely fragile physical form. The Gustavus community feared this ancient power, until in 1888 when a group of three hundred rogue park rangers finally conquered the grassy beast. Historians say that only the obnoxiously loud and unsynchronized clatter of the Gustie Rouser can awaken the ancient power.


One of Westfields friends, Irma Broken, decided to confront the culprit head-on in an attempted mediation she saw her CF do once. After convincing the prairie spirit that she was in no mood to sing or show cheer, the prairie agreed to tell her story. “I’ve been trying to deepen my roots and gain back my strength for years”, it told Broken, “but every September I have to start from scratch when those Gustie Greeters start screaming that rouser thing at the top of their lungs at five in the morning. Every year they add more whistles, and chants, and gizmos that my old grasses can’t keep up with anymore. They worship Gus the Lion as a false deity. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I certainly can’t outcompete the weeds for control over the rich, temperate soil of Southern Minnesota.” The Prairie also told Broken that it was “tripping every single person who wore too much black, gold, had a lion on their shirt, wore a lanyard, or showed any sign of Gustie spirit for revenge.”


The Prairie reportedly started sobbing leaves when Broken explained that she once was a Greeter too, so she can scream the rouser louder and faster than anyone else on this side of the prairie.  Broken reported that the prairie then grabbed her by the hair with vengeance, twirled her around “like Ms. Trunchbull in Matilda”, and threw her to the Yellow Barn Candy Store. Broken sprained a toe and broke the rest of her fragile spirit in the incident.


No further injury reports have been filed since the incident. However, Sophomore Katie Petrel has gone on record stating that the prairie “hissed” at her and said “I am the one true God.”


Categories: CAMPUS NEWS