St. Peter MN- On Saturday for the first time since who knows when, Co-ed, Plex, and the Views were not getting “litty as a kitty”, so Campus Safety had nothing kind of productive to do. Officers Tom Colt, Deb Karen, and Richard Bloodman were gossiping outside of Norelius Hall about their latest candle-violation when overzealous Safe-Ride Driver Ned Flenderson jumped out of his van and went all James Bond and somersaulted up to the posse. Flenderson then shoved a briefcase into Officer Tom Colt’s hands, whispered “I want this to remain anonymous,” before he sprinted off towards a questionable room in Uhler.
The Officers, after deciding that Flenderson was in fact sober as a gopher, opened the briefcase to find a single note which read “Help. There is a huge party happening in Lund. People are singing and dancing to no music. You are our only hope for putting an end to this. Much Love, your favorite Mandated Reporter.” Colt, Karen, and Bloodman took this as their personal Bat-Signal and snatched their favorite sidekicks, the CFs on Duty in Coed, away from the comfort of their snacks and stormed towards Lund.
When Campus Safety and the CFs got to Lund 10 seconds later, they were flabbergasted at the sight they saw. Annoyed Sophomore CF Marnie Eisenbacher told us that “it was so stupid. There were people screaming, dancing around, and a dude stealing phones, but there was no alcohol, no water-pong, or drugs. Therefore, me and my duty partner decided to sneak out and high-tail it back to Coed because this wasn’t worth the effort.”
Campus Safety on the other hand, was quite ready to put in all the effort. While Colt and Bloodman blocked the secret back exits, Karen decided to climb on top of a stack of wrestling mats to loudly proclaim that “while you all are technically not violating quiet hours, you are having too much fun.” Karen then went on to drone about how everyone looks and sounds too suspicious not to be hiding flasks in their headphones, so she was going to have to give them a “too-little noise violation.”
While everyone else in Lund was given a TSA style, three-hour long search for what we here at the 4th Crown call “absolutely nothing,” 42 drunk first-years were able to escape the grasps of the conduct system by bravely walking right past the Campus Safety Officers, out the front door, and down the hill to do more crimes.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS