CAMPUS NEWS

Wrathful God Cuts Off Water in Sorenson

SAINT PETER, MN-God has looked down upon the residents of Sorenson Hall and cast His divine judgement.

This morning, the students cursed with low room draw numbers looked into their email inboxes with the hope that class had been cancelled, but they were fools to expect anything so splendid on such a wretched Thursday morning. There it lay, an email from the Director of Res Life, telling all the unfortunate souls in Sorenson that their water would be turned off for an indefinite amount of time.

It was eight-fifteen AM. Pandemonium began at eight-seventeen.

One resident, who requested they be kept anonymous, saw a man rip his shirt off, spray silver paint over his mouth, and run into Gibbs Hall with his hands intertwined above his head yelling for everyone to witness him.

“Poor guy.” Our anonymous source said while barely keeping it together. “He was so dehydrated that he didn’t even realize he was making a three-year-old movie reference in front of everyone.”

It was this type of degrading behavior that led to a divine power taking away Sorenson’s water. God has refused our reporters requests for a statement, but we here at the Fourth Crown have decided that we feel confident in speaking for Him.

First there was the fire alarm earlier in the week, and then the water was shut down. This obviously is a sign from the Creator that those who live in Sorenson have committed the unholy sin of playing bad electro/dance music at all hours of the day. More guilty than those residents are the ones who have fallen for the deadly sin of Pride. It’s over. God knows that you think so highly of yourselves that you feel the need to put your posters in frames. This was His warning to keep yourself grounded. You flew far too close to the sun, and you have paid dearly.

Let this travesty go as a warning for all other students living on-campus. What you have been giveth can be taketh away. Remember your limitations.

Galatians 4:16

 

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS