CAMPUS NEWS

Couple Hooking Up Pretty Sure Roommate Asleep

St. Peter, MN- College is known to be a time of sexual awakening and experimentation for many young people. Some students discover that they don’t need to get weird to have fun, while others discover that they’re about as pure as anybody else from their repressive catholic high school. All in all, it’s an important time in one’s personal development, and, since it takes place in the privacy of the bedroom, it doesn’t affect anybody else’s life- except for when it does.

 

On Saturday night this past weekend, first-year couple Rachel and Brad, who have been inseparable since the hypnotist, decided to spice things up by getting their freak on with another person present viz. Brad’s probably sleeping roommate, Mike. Brad told us, “well, Mike and I agreed that if either of us wanted to do some mattress dancing that we would text the other person an Eggplant Emoji so they would know not to come into the room, but I’m pretty sure Mike was already asleep, and it seemed wrong to wake him up just so Rachel and I could slap sloppies.”

 

The couple agreed that because Mike had exhibited some light snoring off and on for the at least five minutes that they were good to get some hot yoga going. “We kept it as quiet as we could,” said Rachel, “but I still feel pretty guilty. Mike is a pretty heavy sleeper, but even he might have woken up from all the noise I made putting my heels to Jesus.”

 

“I was awake the whole time,” Mike told us re: the impromptu unwanted threesome. “I tried to make it clear that I was conscious and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t bring myself to confront them directly because that just seemed awkward. I coughed, I grunted, I even tried rolling over a couple of times, but I guess nothing was going to stop them once they got into the zone.” He continued, “you’d think that the noise would be the most upsetting part, but honestly the smell was what got me. I hate spending time in my room now because all I can think of is the terrible stank of Brad taking his hot dog to taco town.”

 

It’s unclear how the situation will resolve as Mike is clearly in distress, but Brad seems to have no idea. “Mike and I have never been closer. I’d feel bad if he did find out what happened, but so far he hasn’t said anything, and Rachel and I certainly aren’t going to bring it up, so I think we’re in the clear.”

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