SAINT PETER, MN- “We fucking did it, you guys”, President Bergman commented on the success of the campus-wide tobacco ban. All reports and studies of any kind have concluded that the tobacco ban has been completely and thoroughly successful. Campus Safety has said that not a single cigarette or e-cigarette device has been found on campus since June 30th, 2018, at 11:59 PM Central time.

First-Year student Cindy Crewman reported that she almost had an encounter with tobacco on campus but luckily was rescued from the situation. “I was sitting in the arboretum doing homework when a shadowy figure approached me with what looked to be a marijuana cigarette, not that I’ve ever seen one of those. I immediately explained to him that he was entering a tobacco-free campus. He quickly extinguished the cigarette and ran back toward the woods, but not before the entire Gustavus football team tackled him to the ground and brought him to the authorities. I’ve never felt so safe.”

Senior Peter Kreaton is thankful for the ban. “As of July 1st, 2018, I am no longer addicted to cigarettes. I’m straight-up cured.” Similar stories have come out all across campus, and all of them have been positive. Sophomore Penny Nolden commented, “I was smoking two packs a day. I walked onto campus with a cigarette in my mouth and the second that I stepped into the invisible tobacco-free force field around Gustavus, the cigarette turned to dust in my mouth and also my acne cleared up.”

Gustavus has successfully joined an elite group of colleges nationwide where capital punishment is handed out to smokers at the complete and total discretion of student Campus Safety officers. Here’s to promoting a happier and healthier lifestyle!