Minneapolis, MN- In a surprising twist of fate, the pundits were proven wrong this Sunday as the highly lauded Vikings squad were absolutely blown up by the lowly Buffalo Bills. Rookie Josh Allen, despite having no name-recognition managed to make the best-ranked defense in the league look like a pile of parking cones. Allen ended the day with an astounding 111 passer rating and an average completion of 10 yards per play.
Edit: In a sure sign that God has finally abandoned us, the events of this satirical news article have transpired. The Fourth Crown Editors had to scramble to throw together this edit after the very first quarter of the game. Not only must we retract our fallacious words, but we also have to say, as a state, that we lost to the Buffalo Bills. There is no worse punishment than this.
Mike Zimmer, the head coach who has been heralded as the main reason for the Vikings’ recent successes, may have had something to do with their lackluster defensive play. After firing the kicker Daniel Carlson following several missed field goals in last week’s game, in a controversial move, Zimmer opted to not replace the position. “The Vikings organization is notorious for missing clutch field goals, so I decided that we would return to our fundamentals. I’m trying to get my boys to play football the way Christ intended- with nothing but our hands,” said Zimmer regarding the decision.
Edit: We understand that this sounds ridiculous, but the Vikings may as well have just handed the ball over considering how little our squad was able to accomplish today. This really turned into a sick joke. Fuck.
Past Vikings greats such as Chris Carter and Bud Grant are reportedly ashamed of the showing put on by the current squad, and it’s hard to blame them. Some fans and former pros alike are considering cutting ties with the organization altogether because they would rather find other teams or even other sports to watch. It’s all very unsettling.
Edit: We would also like to ensure you that the original writer of this article has been promptly, and humanely, shot and killed in the Arb. Do not stand and weep at their grave, for they have committed the greatest injustice a satirical news provider can do: correctly report the news.