SAINT PETER, MN- “This is going to be my week”, said Junior Gustie Keith Swanson, “it’s my time to shine”. Keith is a Geology major from Hastings, Minnesota, considered by some to be the geology capital of the Southeastern Twin Cities Metro-Area, outside of Cottage Grove, obviously. Keith has been waiting patiently over the last year for this Nobel Conference. “All of my research and interest in soil patterns and variations in Southern Minnesota have thus-far proven to be completely useless in just about every way, but that changes this week.”

As every Gustavus student and faculty member can attest to, the Nobel Conference is a hotbed for the best babe action in town. Keith plans to take full advantage of this fact by preparing several soil-related jokes and anecdotes. “My reproductive jokes didn’t exactly go over well last year, but you can’t go wrong with soil, am I right? For example: ‘Hey girl, are you a plot of soil in South-Central Minnesota? Cause you are dark, rich, and I’d love to plant my seeds in you.’ There’s no way that I’ll be going back to my dorm alone that night.”

Keith has admitted that the test-runs of his pick-up lines have only succeeded in getting him several sexual harassment warnings. “I’m hoping that next week, the women will be so drunk on soil knowledge, they won’t think twice about giving ol’ Keith Swanson a shot.” Best of luck to Keith in his endeavors and any other horny and desperate soil-freaks seeking any chance at love. Happy Nobel Conference!