ST PETER MN- Late Wednesday night, Sophomore Gina Savage was walking aimlessly between Arbor View and College View, trying to sneak into some sort of Wine Wednesday shinbag, when she heard someone shout “I am not throwing away my shot.” Thinking that she found someone really partying hard, she rushed into the theater building expecting a rager. Instead, Savage literally stumbled into Lin Manuel Miranda sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor across from some first-year girls who were all fighting over who would get to play young JoNes.

Without even joining the conversation, Savage was able to learn that this troupe of theater activists were writing a brand-new musical entitled “Bergman.” This show-stopper is to feature the hard and true life of Becky Bergman and how she climbed to the top of the Gustavus Administration.  The musical will start as Bergman, the prodigy of Princeton College, comes to the realization that she wants nothing more in the world than to become the first female president of Gustavus. While we are skeptical about the success of this show, choreographer Angelica Belvin assures us that we will in fact be “satisfied.” Sure Angelica, we bet it will be a “burning success.”

When Savage was finally able to ask how in the world these three theater students were able to force Miranda here with their non-existent bank accounts, first-year Eliza Melvin started to make up some crap about winning a Broadway.com contest, but Miranda pipped in and gave us the real scoop.  “History has its eyes on Gustavus right now,” Miranda said, “it’s time to rise up and write this show that’s been practically writing itself for years.”

Like true gossipy theater kids, they had to give out a few details to create a “buzz.”  These hopeful Tony-nominees are just in the beginning stages of writing the next Hamilton, but they know that their show will feature songs such as “Eye of the Tornado,” “Right-Hand Tobacco Ban,” and “The Room Where Shit Happens.” A few featured roles in the cast will include Bergman herself, Deb, JoNes, Nemo, the PAs, and of course a BPLP Little Partner.

When Savage tried to leave, first-year Peggy Kelvin accidentally blurted out that “Nemo is going to star opposite of Becky B, and spoiler alert, he and Becky B are going to have to duke it to the end. It won’t be pretty.”  It would not be a surprise to anyone to see the popular and cunning campus cat attempt to take the presidency for himself.  

“Bergman” will premiere in January of 2020, after its script is combed through and devoid of policy violations, copyright infringement, and slander.